Anticipation Aint Just a Game

There seems to be a lot going on in terms of anticipated failure.

For example, I anticipate failure to pay my bills every month, despite the fact that I have never been late on any payments before (ok, minus that truck payment I forgot about in February). I make decent enough money and, more importantly, save enough money each week to feel productive, but because the cost of EVERYTHING has gone up disproportionately to the cost of what I bring home each week, I’m anxious about it.

Yesterday I had a group of senior citizens who volunteered to help me with my 1,300, 4 piece mailing. One was talking about how there is definitely another Depression just around the corner, “So stock up on canned goods. Save what you can.” Because, as I gathered from her tone, you’re looking down the barrel of the end of the universe and economy as we know it. And this was coming from a woman born in 1920. She knows, ok? She’s been there before.

I anticipate failure of selling our homemade goods at the Farmer’s Market. I have the greatest marketing ideas (ok, certainly nowhere near the greatest, but somewhere along the lines of decent) but there is a nagging point: Do the people who attend a Farmer’s Market have any clue who Lindsay Lohan is, and beyond that, do they care that she wears knitted headbands & gets caught by the paparazzi wearing them? Because that little, overtly designed poster I made with pics of young Hollywood celebs wearing different styles of headbands is primarily my main selling point when it comes to my headband designs. And I have a nagging feeling that its all for naught when tested against an audience of middle aged baby boomers and their cornfed daughters.

Last night, I actually sat down after yoga, with this feeling of anticipation, and made a pair of earrings that I can only describe as: the old lady ones. Because, as I convinced myself, you have to think about your market... and sometimes your target audience may not show up at that particular market. And you need to be prepared for that. How far are you willing to go to avoid the fear of rejection?

Regardless, if we fail to sell anything, we’ve decided to walk back to my apt and buy the biggest, best bottle of tequila and make margaritas til we puke.

But as I wrote to Caitlin on her way home via text: “The real failure would be to quit now and never try.” The real question is whether or not I convinced myself when I wrote that to her.

Recently, I’ve been noticing two types of people around me. One is the type of person that shuts down when confronted with fear, is totally and completely afraid when out of their element. The other is the type of person that actually laughs about fear, makes me feel silly for even being afraid, sees the better side of everything in everyone. Sure, these are extremes, but understand that I seem to always be caught between two extremes and it’s always a struggle to identify with either.

I wonder if you can learn to be one way. I wonder if its something that comes from the way you were brought up or your genetic makeup. Is there a way to release all that fear and just live your life in a relative amount of peace?

Another example of this extremity is the friends I have who are on a severe timetable to make their lives happen. To get engaged, get married, buy a house and have a baby... STAT. These are the girls who are entering their late 20s and scared shitless of what would happen if they were 34 and single. I admit, I have been on this side of the fence. I’ve been there, thinking M. was out buying a ring (when in reality, he was out having a Sam Adams and hot wings at Cactus Petes), thinking M. had a plan, a goal, a time in mind when he was going to pop the question. And then that time passed... and it was about 2 years ago now. I know some single girl could say, but it's better to have someone, rather than be single... because that level of security is a lot higher.

Is that what we all want? Security, as a release from the fear of being alone?

I have friends who are completely satisfied status quo, whether that be single and living a happy existence or in a long term relationship that is healthy, happy and yet... Is there an out-of-left-field fear of the ultimate commitment that is keeping them status quo?

And the ultimate fear: A friend of mine is at the doctor’s right now, getting a pregnancy test. (Negative... she hasn’t gotten it yet... because of stress, she was told. Go figure.)

Does all this anticipation and insecurity lead to failure, as a form of self-fulfilling prophecy? Or do some of us just have a certain built-in resistance to succeeding that we’re not even really fully aware of? I don’t know. I just know that a lot of what we fear in life heeds us. It puts the brakes on, makes us miserable at times.

But how much of it, really, is unavoidable?

I’m going for a bike ride today. Really need to get my head on straight here again. I think 3 days of rainy, cold weather really effed with my mojo. All that "conditioning" I made headway on last week is down the tubes.