Hey! I got an idea! To increase the amount of people going there, why not ADD MORE AIRLINES AND FLIGHTS??? I know, I know. I’m a genius. You can thank me later...

http://www.telegram.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060511/NEWS/605110486/1116

Do you ever get the icks at work when you think about the fact that these are the same people with whom you share a toilet 40 hours a week? Yep. Awesome. And for some reason, people avoid using the spray. There is spray in there... and you don’t use it? Do you think it doesn’t smell that bad to you? Because let me just clarify for ya: IF YOU ARE IN THERE FOR MORE THAN 60 SECONDS, USE THE FUCKING SPRAY.

Know what my new thing is? Frosted Mini Wheats. Seriously. I eat them... I know, gag, DRY. I just cant stop eating them. And the strawberry ones? Muy delicioso. Those are def best in milk tho and then the milk gets all strawberry. Mmmmmmmmm.

So yesterday, for the second day in a row, I wake up with a splitting headache. A headache so intense that M actually wakes up and asks me what’s wrong as I’m writhing in pain next to him. God, the first day it just hurt so bad. I took some Tylenol and eventually it dulled, but my vision was blurry through the afternoon. Total migraine, right? This morning, the headache was there, but not nearly as intense. I think a lot of the stress I’m feeling is from being so caught up in the jewelry making and being anxious about selling it... and there are a lot of family issues happening. Actually, not a lot, just one major thing that will determine if my dream of buying land and building a home next year will be a reality. Seriously, I love my sister, but I cant live with her. And she’s thinking of moving back home, which means M and I’s plans for moving back home to save money for a house will be totally crushed. I love my sister and want what’s best for her, don’t get me wrong. But I just cant help feeling a little bit annoyed that she’s in this position now, which in turn is effing up my whole situation. Am I being selfish?

See. I think about that sometimes... selfishness. I am actually very aware of my selfishness. I don’t intend to make excuses for it but I wonder where it comes from. Is it because I’m the youngest? I’m used to being taken care of? My mom has always doted on her children, to the point of suffocation as a teenager, but still, she was a very present, caring mom. And I do admit, I’ll go "grocery shopping" at her house sometimes and take what I need. And I havent bought deodorant or razors in over 5 years because my sister supplies them. Am I spoiled in that sense?

Or I wonder if my selfishness comes from the fact that we never really had a lot of money to go around when I was little. So in a way, I’m very selfish with what I have and what I’ve bought myself because I never really had that pride before. I saw my mom pay for groceries with food stamps when I was very little. I remember it vividly. I remember feeling so ashamed and at the same time so angry because my dad had done this to us. Even little, I can remember feeling like my mom was a victim and I secretly, darkly resented that. Of course, I see that was not the case because she was so strong and things were out of her control... but it affected me. So now its like the things I can or even cant really afford that I buy myself are in a way, a big giant FUCK YOU to my dad, to my past, to everyone who never helped us at times that we needed it. I overspend and I dont care because I'm materialistic and it makes me feel good. And I'm in no way proud to admit that. But I also cant let go of all that. I cant just let someone else take what’s mine, what I've bought for myself because in a way, I fought a war for it. A big giant, horrible war and I’m not willing to forgive and forget and just hand it over.

Case in point, I don’t let anyone borrow my truck. NO ONE. This includes M, who finds this incredulous because, as he points out, if we’re to be sharing our LIVES, I think an automobile would be a no brainer. And we’re talking, in times of total desperation, he’s asked me. And I just cant do it. He’s had to get a rental. Is that terrible? God, yea. I guess I can see that it really is. I just don’t want to be without what is mine. And that Jeep is the best thing I ever did for myself.

The same goes for my products. There is one co-worker who always comes to chat and uses my hand cream. Now, why should I care? Because its MY HAND CREAM. Buy your own bottle if you’re feeling ashy today and every day... right? Why am I supplying her with hand cream?

Ugh. The ugliness of this is just, well, embarrassing. Isnt it better to give than receive?

Argh. I don’t know... There is always a lot to work on. Sometimes I get tired of working. Sometimes I just don’t want to wake up and know that I’m not perfect, that I have problems, that I have hurt inside that goes ocean floor deep. For just one day, I’d want to wake up and feel totally and completely put together.

Well, at least I’m having a good hair day. And that’s a start.