Be a Hungry Tiger

While I’m making over my life...

I’m going to start making over my inner monologue. Seriously. I have stopped to really listen to the things I think and I would say about 30% really shocks me. Like instinctual comments I say upon seeing someone or watching something... some of it is just plain not nice. And shit aint cool. I used to be nice... what happened?

You see, I trace that back to the early days of good old Salve. Before I went there, I was a hungry tiger. I wanted to be friends with everyone. I wanted to experience new things and make the college experience as awesome as it was supposed to be. But then, soon, I realized, that this was not the place for me. 90% of the people who went there were already jaded, spoiled, unhappy. And unlike some of the great friends I made there, I succumbed to it. Was that a weakness?

I stuck it out for four years. I was primarily miserable for four years. And drunk. Being drunk somehow dulled the unhappiness.

First and foremost of all my years there, I learned to be a hard person. K is totally reading this like, Jill, you? HARD? HA! But let me explain... my first instincts when I moved there was to be nice to people upon first meeting them. What a foreign concept, right? But its amazing how little time passed before I was transformed into a person who, instead, began hating someone right off the bat. Perhaps, I would change my mind... but not until they were extremely nice or refreshing to be around in some way. It made me a very unfriendly person. Not that I was ever outgoing to begin with, I’ll admit. But, that experience, that transformed attitude, that coldness from the people around me... it just made it a lot worse.

And I’m not proud of it and I have worked on it in the past 5 years since I graduated. And it’s a lot of the reason why I am still very close with more people from high school than I am with friendships I made while at school. I’m getting more secure in who I am and that allows me to be more open and happy... But I’m not there yet. Even yesterday, while walking into the building I realize that I don’t smile first at anyone. And even just 2 short years ago, if someone smiled at me, I would look away or pretend not to notice because I didn’t give a FUCK. I don’t care who you are, if you don’t know me... don’t be (GASP) nice. It just doesn’t do any good.

Its no way to live. And if you really get into the dogma of KHARMA, you can really set yourself up for a mountainous fall. And I think I have paid for that in a lot of ways.

So as for how I’m progressing, in the Thoreau-esque twighlight of my mid-20s... I am reinventing the inner monologue. I’m turning over a completely new leaf. I’m going to change my learned instincts.

Today’s Goal: Smile at a total stranger. And mean it.

Today’s Report on Yesterday’s Makeover Schedule. I accomplished almost all of it, except a bike ride. And I wanted to ride... very badly, actually. But what I didn’t realize is that riding in the pouring rain can actually cause your chain to rust. Do I want that to happen? NOPE.