Trashing the Inner Monologue

I have to admit. My inner monologue is not improving.

In fact, it’s getting worse.

Yesterday, I pulled out in front of a car because I was sick of WAITING for 1000 cars to go ahead of me and I actually mouthed to the guy driving WATCH IT. And he BEEPED. He was like, WTF. And I was like, EAT SHIT AND DIE. And this was at like 7:30pm on a Sunday on my way to go grocery shopping. Why the need for such hostility?

Well. I have to dig deep for that. And lots of you already know I’ve been spiraling in a deep pathetic EVERYTHING SUCKS hole for a few weeks now. It doesn’t help that you visit your BFF, who has the flu, and realize that she is leaving in like, 3 weeks. It doesn’t get any easier when you hang out with wonderful friends who are so happy and married and trying to have/having babies. It really doesn’t help when you walk around their amazing homes and realize... they have unlocked the key to NO CLUTTER! HOW??!! I wish I only knew... Bathrooms with only a soap dispenser, matching soap dish, and towels???????

My bathroom is a plethora of products. Sephora, CVS, Walgreens, Bath and Body Shop, the Body Shop, Walmart, etc. They all have nothing on me. If you can apply/wear/use/swish/floss/wax it. They will come. And I will BUY. Maybe it’s more shelving... Maybe they have this weird commitment to ONE product. I don’t know. I’m a product ho. Through and through. I just recently acquired Bumble and Bumble styling lotion. And I’m on the hunt for Dr. Lark skin care. Oops. That was supposed to stay a secret. But now that the cat's out of the bag... I tried a sample of this gem and now I'm hooked. If only i could justify the cost at a time when gas is ripping me a new one at the pump weekly.

http://www.drlark.com/c/prod_squalane.asp

But I digress.

You see... when you get into this hole, which could also be called THE TRASH, it’s hard to find your way out. Because you start to feel like you are in a tide and you keep trying to get out there to swim and instead, the waves keep pushing you back, onto your ass, and you find all this seaweed and sand in your suit. And you aren’t getting anywhere. Or, for example, you are trying to get out of the dumpster and some asshole keeps throwing smelly shit in there on top of you, making you just too exhausted to even care that there is a banana peel on your head. Because well, FUCKIT. Life sucks and then ya die, ANYWAY.

I find that I work 40 hours a week just to exist. I don’t seem to get anything out of it. I don’t feel fulfilled and most importantly, I don’t feel successful. I am not changing lives on a daily basis. I’m not even making enough to save for a house. I’m not doing much of anything... EXCEPT... WORKING. So just imagine the frustration that stems from that.

And I fully realize how amazingly unoriginal this is. This feeling isn’t new to me. Or anyone else for that matter. Its just plain ridiculous because I cant get PAST it. That’s the big problem. Ok. So you recognize that you have this issue, and yet, you HARP on this issue? Life is too short, Jill. MOVE THE F ON. Ugh. Why is that so hard?

And I had a pretty good day at the market on Saturday, even though my mom sold off some of my Swarovski chandeliers for $5, even though they are priced at $10 even though they cost me about $12 to make. Ha ha. I need a lesson in business. Especially since I was an English major and the most exposure I got to business was Intro to Business 101. USEFUL, eh?

And that only adds to my frustration because I LOVE to make jewelry. I love to just buy new stuff and turn it into something wonderful and then have friends or family agree that it is really beautiful. And then, if someone happens to buy it, well, that’s just the icing on the cake. Isnt that what I SHOULD be doing? A friend told me Saturday night, at a party, that I should bring my stuff to his mom’s store and ask about selling there, or renting out space. And he told me, you have to step it up. Move out of your comfort zone. You are doing well at that market so you take the next step. NOW.

But I’m too much the realist.

And some people can equate that with being too much the PESSIMIST. And I wouldn’t disagree with that. There is a correlation there. But when all your life, you’ve succeeded in doing the bare minimum and making all the safe choices, and you have been robbed what feels like a thousand times, what would make you all of a sudden be the DREAMER? Drop everything and move somewhere you’ve wanted to live your whole life? Think that life is really wonderful and you can get ahead just by being who you are? To take a chance and start your own business? In my world, you just don’t do that kind of thing.

And I just guess that’s the part of myself that is the ugliest. The fact that I give up before I even try. That I just bang my head against the wall, instead of throwing some padding on there and hoping for the best.

But deep down, I know I’m better than that. And I know it’s got to change somehow. Or I’ll end up a bitter person. A person who just sees the REALISM in everything and never moves on past the pain, the hurt. A person who can think of a thousand reasons to cry and ZERO to laugh. Because life is hard. Its not meant to be easy. But its also not meant to be miserable.

Today’s Thoughts on Walden: “A written word is the choicest of relics. It is something at once more intimate with us and more universal than any other work of art. It is the work of art nearest to life itself. It may be translated into every language, and not only be read but actually breathed from all human lips;-not to be represented on canvas or in marble only, but be carved out of the breath of life itself.”

Today’s Confession: I entered a local poetry contest and didn’t win.