Where is Big Bertha when you need her?

Let’s start off by telling you that Big Bertha is my $300 driver... my pride and joy. The only reason I can get on a golf course with some dignity and confidence. I won it in a raffle at a tourney a few years back and I’m in LOVE with it.

And then let’s just clarify: I’m a huge animal rights person... I collaborated with PETA in the past and have donated money to them and to displaced animals in Florida due to hurricanes. I love all animals.

EXCEPT Porcupines. Porcupines can all get FUCKED. Seriously. I’m taking Big Bertha to town on those mother fuckers. I’m going to pound them all to death.

Why, you ask? Here’s why:

Friday night, I MAKE M go on a bike ride with me. I’m desperate to go and he’s like, tired. But I succeed in convincing him it will be a nice, relaxing ride and I go home and grab my main man, Murph, to join us as usual. We go on the best ride... down about 15-20 minutes into the trail off a cart trail road. And then... I see Murph... his mouth PUMMELED by quills and I seriously lose my shit. Honestly, as I try to write about it now, I get teary. I am crying right now... this is so bad. I’m like traumatized by this...

He’s fine. I feel like I have to get that out of the way. But at that point in the woods, I had no clue what to do. I wasn’t sure I should huck the bike and start sprinting to the car and come get him. He was freaking out too and M was trying to get me to calm down. I have never pedaled so fast in my life. I literally was hyperventilating, screaming, and biking all at the same time. There was no way to get the truck down to the trail so we had to go all the way back... and we fucking hauled ass. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much adrenaline. And Murph ran with me. I don’t know how he did it... he was so confused and I think because I was freaking out, he started to freak out and ran up into the woods, around in circles. M had to keep calling him back to us because I could do anything. I think if it wasn’t for M, I’d prob still be standing there in the middle of the trail, screaming: SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

I’m horrible in emergencies. My whole life, I’ve never been able to think clearly or do what needs to be done. By some miracle, we all made it back to my truck and when I put Murph in with me, he starts to rub his quills against me like, HELP ME, MOM and I start to cry... and M is like, that’s not gonna work, Jill. GET OUT. And I’m just yelling at him to HURRY UP because I’m about to die and my baby is in pain and needs help... and I don’t know what to do. So M takes him and we decide to ride the 5 minutes home instead of riding to a vet who may or may not be on call for a HOLIDAY wkd...

I’m going 90 down my mom’s road (speed limit 25), blasting the horn because it’s the best I can think of doing... and when I run in, I scream at my mom to CALL THE VET! CALL THE VET! And I’m so hysterical and I cant breathe that she starts to cry because she thinks Murph is dead or dying... so finally I spit out what’s happened and by this time M is pulling in the driveway with the dog.

From this point to the part where I get into my mom’s car to drive to the vet’s is a BLURR. I remember screaming at M, screaming at my mom... I remember people trying to tell me stuff... I remember holding Murph and telling him it was going to all be ok... and all I know is that I was getting my baby to a doctor or I was gonna choke someone who wasn’t doing that fast enough.

And we got there (after what felt like 3 hours, tho I’m sure it was closer to a half hour) and they put him under anesthesia and we waited, with Kleenex. 45 minutes later and the vet comes out to show us the quills... a BUCKET full of them mixed with blood and tissue... THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THAT! There must have been at least 60 quills in his mouth. My mom and I both cried when we saw that. It was horrible.

I was so shaken but when he came out and woke up, he looked like a drunk.... he was stumbling and looked as though he didn’t know who the hell we were... ha ha. He was like, I don’t know what’s going on but someone find me a place to sleep... THANKS.

So we got home and my mom and I had a good laugh about how bad I was... I mean, like a JOKE. And later that night, M gave me the lecture about when we have kids, I need to control myself in emergencies better because the kids are going to be looking to me for that calm focus required to get them through it. Apparently, I cant be all hyperventilating and turning red because my heart is going to pop out of my chest.

So that pretty much started out my wkd... what an amazing way to start, right?

Saturday morning I made about $70 at the Farmer’s Market. It didn’t even feel nice... I was so upset about my boy. So after, I went home and sat with him. I tried to walk him, but I couldn’t do it. I kept having flashbacks about the quills every time he took off into the woods so finally, I had to just put him on the leash and walk him down the paved street. He was kinda like, WTF. Because we never EVER do that. But I just couldn’t walk him any other way. He even kissed a little boy on the street that was throwing a baseball. This dog just melts everyone’s heart.

Saturday night was a trip... I wanted to go see fireworks. M had told me we were invited to a wedding after-party at his friend’s parent’s house. He won.

So we got to the house around 10:30pm and proceeded to watch people who were dressed up in formal attire dance around under a tent, set up with beautiful candles and a loud ass DJ. There were children running around a bonfire, tents set up for the inevitably too drunk to drive home crowd, a true family affair. I was like, M, I don’t think this is kosher... I mean, I feel like a wedding crasher! We didn’t recognize any of the cars either so I think we were the only friends who showed up to this supposed after-party. So we decided to kill some time and each had a few beers in my truck on the lawn that was reserved for handicapped parking.

We never made it to the party. About an hour of Sam Adams Summer drank in the front cab of a Jeep and a really nice conversation about EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, we took off and went home. Busted.

Yesterday, M and I had planned on going to the beach but the weather report had said 77 and cloudy with a chance of thunderstorms. OH RLY? Because it was 900 degrees out yesterday with NO RAIN WHATSOEVER. Fuckers. I actually had my truck already packed for the beach... lawnchairs, coolers with food and drinks, towels, a sheet to lay on. I was PISSED. Instead we took the kayaks out and we saw the biggest great blue heron I’ve ever seen and a beaver dam. I heart nature, but I LOVE the beach.

We did end up actually crashing a party last night too with M’s friends and their kids. Why we are never actually invited to parties, I’ll never know... but we had a great time. It was awkward at first, but geez, isn’t it amazing what a few beers can do to your AWKWARDNESS? Right out the window, running into people from high school like it’s a long lost high school reunion episode. So it was fun and I laughed pretty hard... M’s friend is so funny. And their kids are adorable. The reality is that his friends are our age... with a house, a 2 ½ year old and a 3 month old. How do they do it? M and I can barely keep food in the fridge and remember to clean the shower periodically.

But we’ll get there, I guess, eventually. Like all things, we’ll evolve and grow to that point. I guess it just takes some people longer than others. And I have to just accept it. And love it. Because its my life. And its pretty damn good.

Today’s WTF Massachusetts?!?!: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13672398/

Today’s Read this if you are really bored b/c its funny as hell: http://www.princessmelissa.com/weblog/