The Regret Log

Who the hell are these people who live life with NO REGRETS? Seriously. Who are you bullshitting here?

B/c I don’t know about you, but I can name about 5 things off the top of my head that I would do differently, if I could start all over again.

And by starting over, I mean like, senior year, where you are 17 and make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. 17. Do you even remember being seventeen? Yea, me neither. Or maybe I would go even further back to like, 9th grade where I quit the one sport I loved more than anything b/c I could handle the mean girl pressure. I wouldn’t have quit to be a cheerleader, that’s for sure. And maybe I could have gotten a scholarship to a better school for it.

But the things I would change are major changes. Big deals. Not like, I would have ordered the swordfish that time on my birthday… or I should have bought the white v-neck instead of the heather charcoal… or at least waited til it was on sale. I mean that if I could go back 10 years, I would do a number of things differently that I think would change the entire landscape of my existence.

Now, the question you ask yourself next is: Would I still end up here? Does fate play that big a role in where I am right now? Or, the horrible question: Did I do this to myself?

I find that I am responsible for a lot of what I find myself in nowadays. And I’m not even really complaining here. I do have a great life and I’m thankful for it. I have a great friends and an amazing family that is very tight. But there is something amiss. And maybe that’s the whole point about life… that you never feel complete until you are dead b/c if you were complete, why would you change and grow and learn? What would be the point then if you were like, I’m all set. I am SATISFIED?

See? I would have left Salve and transferred to some local, state school and saved mysef a lot of crying and misery and unhappiness and LOANS. I then would never have met one ex boyfriend that I wish I never met. And hey, I might have even transferred to U of Wyoming, which would have changed my entire life… or not. Maybe I would have gotten out there and our relationship would have ended anyway and I would have just had that same break-up, only 3000 miles away from home and from the friends who helped me through it. Or I could be married now with a daughter named Dakota. I don’t know…

If I could go back in time, I would have applied for a Teacher’s Assistant fellowship at Clark or some other university. I always dreamed of being a writing professor and I never knew that you could do that and get a stipend. My whole life was stifled by money. I was the top GPA in my graduating class with an English major. I could have gotten a fellowship like that had I known about it. Had I believed in myself more, in my abilities. But I didn’t know they existed and I was broke and needed a job. I could have gotten a Masters in Fine Arts and then a doctorate and I could now be Dr. Johnstone, Professor of Creative Writing with a published book of poems. And hardly any student loans. IMAGINE.

If I could do it differently, I wouldn’t have met M. I wouldn’t be with a man that I love who still doesn’t want to marry me after 5 years and whom I’m not sure I want to marry the longer we stay together. Because the time just keeps changing us. We're not the same people and we shouldnt be. Five years is longer than most marriages and there is a reason for that. Maybe if we never get married, we'll be together forever. For now, I wouldn’t be 26 and nowhere. I could be single and fabulous. I could be lonely and busy and unsettled too. I don’t know. Or I could be married and miserable, which would be infinitely worse. Who knows…

The best I can do is keep on going with what I’ve got, right? I mean, there is no sense in packing it all in and calling it a day. There are still a million choices to make, regrets to be had should they go amiss and nights sitting by the campfire with my brother and friends, making smores and keeping Murph from eating the chocolate.

The point is that we all have regrets, whether or not you want to admit that. There is always something you wish you could change or go back in time and do over. Even if its something as simple as giving that one guy a chance who tried to kiss you and you laughed. Otherwise, if you wouldn’t change a thing, then you didn’t learn anything and you didn’t grow. Because it’s the mistakes who make us really who we are. The bad things in our life that shape our experiences, make us stronger/weaker, happier/unhappier. Its not the good things… the good things are just the icing on the shitty undercooked cake. And be honest… that’s how you want it to be.

And that’s perfect.

That’s the way it ought to be.

“Why do people have to die?” “To make life important.” – Six Feet Under

So make your life important today. Find one thing that you regret today and analyze it. But just a little bit. B/c life is short too.

xo