Don’t act like you don’t do it.

Don’t act like you don’t google your ex-boyfriend. That you don’t put his full name in quotation marks and then comb through the search, throwing out the references that are obviously not him but some other unfortunate fuck who happens to have the same exact name. My ex has the same name of a famous surfer. Who is HOT. And has unlimited amounts of web references so it makes my search infinitely harder. But I sort through it, regardless, dismissing every link that has to do with stats or water.

Well my point is that google should have a restraint button that you press instead. You put his name in there and then you press RESTRAINT and all that comes up is soothing, relaxing photos of you and your CURRENT boyfriend in Happyland together on a beach. Yea. This is what I’m going to market one day. Because let’s face it: You don’t need to google your ex-boyfriend and find…

A picture of his beautiful baby daughter. In bed. With his ugly wife.

You really don’t need to see that shit.

And the funny part is that you went LOOKING for that shit. And when you found it, you wished you had the restraint to just get off your damn keyboard and hike out to the office kitchen and make some damn tea instead. WTF.

Restraint, anyone? Yes, please, Sir, may I have some more?

And don’t act like you don’t google the popular girls from your high school. You don’t try to see what lame ass life they are living now. Where they work. If they’re married. And of course this only applies to those fortunate enough to have the sense to NOT make a Myspace. Because Myspace ruins everything. It ruins the mystique. The mystery of what made them so great back then. Now there they are, in their not-so-great glory and all that you hated back then in full view to hate on some more. There is no element of the chase in that. It’s right there, an open post-high school yearbook.

And I’m grateful that my ex is the type of person who would NEVER create a Myspace. He’s too good for that. Too busy being a dad and a husband. He’s too out-of-sight, out-of-mind with friends and his past. He was the type of miserable person who left everything that he couldn’t fix behind and went to Wyoming. Clean slate.

Don’t act like you haven’t googled a high school teacher that you had a crush on. Don’t act like you don’t google things that don’t exist, except in your mind’s creative eye, like “black faux leather kitten heeled boots SALE” or “easiest way to learn to read internet code.” Don’t act like you haven’t googled “Katie Holmes conspiracy theory” or “Britney Spears no underwear.”

Ahh. Google. Changing the world on an undignified scale. One scorned female at a time.