Our National's Capital.

Things I learned on my trip to DC:

I have a horrible, irrational fear of skin cancer, thanks to the May 2007 issue of Glamour magazine, compliments of US Airways.

If you don’t ask for a receipt, you wont get one. Therefore, you wont get reimbursed.

When the front desk is out of singles and she offers you a double room – smile and say thank you. Because that room is twice the size of the room your boss paid for. And you can enjoy it twice as much.

The first thing you should do upon entering a room is check the alarm clock. You will be surprised that some assholes set the alarm to wake up with a jolt @ 3:27 am. You do not want to get that surprise.

When you set off the metal detector TWICE, try not to look surprised when the TSA gentleman points out your GIANT METAL FOSSIL WATCH and then your cell phone in your back pocket.

The lady who works the check-in baggage part of the self check-in kiosks is just as clueless as you at to how to do her job and get your luggage on the plane. Don’t ask.

There is always another bathroom 20 feet past the one with the HUGE ASS LINE from a flight that just deplaned.

If they put you in an unmarked car when you ask for a taxi to the airport, they are not trying to human traffic you. It’s a sedan. And it’s a service that costs more than a taxi courtesy of the dumbass bell man that you tip $2 each time he takes your bags from point A to point B – approx. 2 feet. You still have to tip them and there is no meter so therefore, you have no control as to how much this will cost. It’s a surprise. But don’t act surprised.

DC, though not generally described as being in the Deep South, is about as humid as a bathroom after a steam shower in July. Plan to pack accordingly.

When you are going to try and do your homework assignment on the plane, BRING A PEN. No one will give you one and you will not want to buy a $25 souvenir one.

A surefire way to kill a conversation with a table of men at a marketing conference is to mention your boyfriend. And mentioning your NE season tickets to Colts fans puts the nail in that coffin.

People who like to travel don’t do it that much. Because if you did, you wouldn’t find it exciting in any way shape or form. In fact, if you traveled a lot you would only feel hatred at people who don’t understand boarding ZONES – hello! If you are ZONE 6, don’t get in line when they call ZONE 1. It’s on your ticket. Right there… LOOK AT IT AND OWN IT. Because I promise your anxiety prone ass that they will not leave without you. There is no RUSH to get on a plane and SIT on the plane. RELAX. Get in line – WHEN THEY CALL YOU. And enjoy the flight.

Thanks.

Also, I find that “national” airports don’t have a Starbucks and have one tiny convenience store. THIS DOES NOT QUALIFY AS DUTY FREE SHOPPING PEOPLE. Gimme a GAP, a TARGET, SOMETHING to pass the time while I wait for your commercial flight that is INEVITABLY NOT on time.

And that’s a wrap, folks. Back on a plane in 6 days. But this time, I wont be saving receipts and talking to myself in the hotel room. I’ll be with my man and my BFF. Countdown starts…. NOW!