Woe is Us

So here’s the thing:

Do you think Obama can change America for us?

Because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on this topic as of late. And I have to say that I’m beginning to wonder about the world, my life, fuel, politics, climate change, and international development. And things are finally coming to an end for the Bush Administration. So we’re looking toward the light at the end of the tunnel… Is it still lit?

Today, in fact, I spent most of my morning online, searching out hybrids and motorcycles and scooters. I called my brother, the expert, and talked about going to the DMV to take the permit test. While doing all this prep work, I’ve been eating Trader Joe’s organic dark chocolate and organic cherries, which by the way, are about the size of a quarter and cost about $6 for ½ a pound. (Washington cherries the size of nectarines bought in Anchorage are by far the best cherries on the open market and I don’t remember them costing an arm and a leg, though they probably did – back then.)

Which again, reminds me of traveling and I get the itch to take off and go somewhere. Anywhere, because that’s what happens when you sit at home, trying not to spend any extra money, and not drive anywhere. You start to feel hemmed in by what you cannot control, by what you cannot fix. You spend your time, not taking your dog to all the places he used to love going to swim, not driving around to look at land, not walking with your friend who you love to walk with. And people tell you that you shouldn’t let this take over you life, but are all these people not conserving too? Because that’s the problem. We all have to do our part to cut demand. Don’t drive anywhere you don’t need to so that your little bit will help cut demand. And if you’re not doing this, then FUCK YOU. Because it only means that I have to cut my demand more. And not buy Mobil/Exxon gas even though it’s the closest filling station for me on my way to work.

WORK AROUND IT.

HELP US, HELP YOU!

And BFF is home and safe and sound in Texas. And what I’ve realized is that I’ve spent 2 months being completely selfish, wanting her to come home, to be within the Verizon service area so I could call her, but for what? I have nothing good to tell her. Only things that are depressing and not even worth mentioning. So what’s here for her? For any of us? Rising fuel prices, dead polar bears, and the end of the world as we know it, piece by piece, earthquake by tornado by cyclone? I mean, what is this all leading to? Where are we going, if not completely insane and into full destruction mode? Can we even really have children knowing all this is happening? Is that even conscionable?

Breathe. Ok.

Yesterday, I drafted up a blog entry and erased it before posting. I couldn’t bear to read it. It was so frustrated and sad and horrible. And I’m not a frustrated, sad, horrible person. It’s just that for the past few weeks, I’ve been escalating towards complete and utter, full blown, what I like to call: economic panic.

And what I read online doesn’t help. It only makes matters worse. For instance, a top article on MSN about buying hybrid cars only taught me that most are far beyond what I can afford to buy right now and will bring me no closer to 25 miles than a new, after market exhaust system and removal of my roof rack. I have also heard that it takes almost an entire hour to cut you out with the Jaws of Life after an accident due to all the electric wires that bury you in like its own electric casket of hell. I have also found out that a scooter start up cost would take me at least 2 or 3 years before I would start to see any real difference in the price of everything and be real with me here: Besides the fact that I am so not the motorcycle type – what the FUCK am I going to do on it? I mean, I cant realistically drive to work in it every day. I drive a major route with people going at least 55mph for 20 miles each way. Then, I get into the city and I’m in city traffic with people rushing to work like maniacs. Would I even survive a summer on that thing? Unless M bought one, it would be completely obsolete in terms of logics since I spend my entire wkds with him, mostly. I cant bring Murph with me so where would I go? I wouldn’t be able to go do any biking, kayaking, or even tennis – right? Because how would I carry anything with me? Even grocery shopping, I mean, yes, I could buy some side totes or whatever they are called but a gallon of milk and a gallon of OJ (my 2 most purchased items per week) – those are gonna fit on there – one on each side? So really – where would I take this thing? Shopping? Who can afford to shop when you are spending $4+ a gallon on fuel while saving money for a house or that may or may not exist and must be within X miles of work or you wont be able to afford it anyway. Oh and it must not have oil heat! NO ONE. Do you know that my eye doc even told me you can walk right into the Sole with no reservations on a Fri or Sat night. You can just walk right in there… no problems. If you don’t know Worcester, you don’t even know the magnitude of that statement. Especially in the summer time.

WHERE IS THE HOPE IN THIS ENTRY?

And all this when a faculty member sent me a photo of her standing in front of a hydrogen fueling station in Graz, Austria!! A FUCKING HYDROGEN REFUELING STATION PEOPLE!! EXISTS IN AUSTRIA! Who the fuck is Austria? And when did they become smarter, better, and all around GREATER than the USA?!? When was that exactly???

Anyways, my point is this: Are we too far beyond repair in America now? Have we become some strange reverse of what we were supposed to be? Did we get a karmic backhand that we (GULP) deserve? Should I be trying to move to Canada or Europe? I hear Italy is amazing.

And I’m a white woman with a good job, GREAT education in one of the most neo-liberal states in the US of A where I’m protected enough to even write a blog like this.

And yet: I’m paralyzed with fear. I’m paralyzed with the knowledge that I cant do anything about it. I cant enact a cap on gas that makes it no more than $2.00 a gallon. I cant not buy gas because then I might as well just be dead. And I cant even downgrade to a more efficient vehicle because the truth is that they just aren’t that more efficient! There are no hydrogen fuel cells at my local Herb Chambers! And if there was I don’t need to tell you that I’d obv have to go to Graz to fill it up.

What happened to when people used to protest in the streets? Protesting wars they didn’t agree with, policies that weren’t fair? Was it all a myth? Did they end up getting what they wanted? I cant remember. How do you mobilize people who just don’t care or have become paralyzed like yourself and don’t even know what to do?

Which brings me back to my original question that began when thinking about Obama. Can one man really CHANGE America? I mean, with all that’s done and all that’s on the table… shouldn’t we just be realistic?

Will people be working from home next year? Car-pooling on hybrid buses that take people from way out west to Boston? Converting fuel engines to cleaner energy like corn or vegetable oil from you local McDonalds? Shouldn’t we not even be EATING at McDonalds and instead be buying local, organic food like cherries from Trader Joe’s and While Foods – if we can afford it? Because as a friend who is also a mother told me, Everything that’s better for you, costs more.

Ugh. I don’t know what to tell you people.

Just know that I prob wont be living my life to the fullest because I cant justify the cost of driving anywhere. And I cant help but remembering my college Comparative Lit class where we talked about a life being not worth living if its not to the full extent possible. But how do you achieve that – stifled, paralyzed?

I’ll find a way. So don’t worry about me. Gonna go grab lunch and just breathe.