Balancing Act

I checked my balance and I dont even want to talk about it. I mean, you know it's bad, real bad, when you ask your man, who also is not good with money, to be in charge of your finances. Because you're desperate. Because, who else is gonna do it? Because you havent got anything else to lose... literally.

I think about life and what I want to be able to accomplish. Is it really that hard to get engaged, married, buy a house, have a child? Why do I feel like its nothing but a series of hurdles paved in EXPENSES? It's cant be too hard if you are smart & save and do things the right way. RIGHT? And then I think about all the crap that gets inexplicably in my way... God, there is just so much... crap.

But do you want to know where a lot of my money goes? Honestly? I'll give it to ya straight up: BILLS, groceries & gas. You thought I was gonna say, Express or Firestone or Walmart, didnt ya? Nah. I'm all business (ok, not all business, but mostly business). And yet... it still slips through my fingers like beachy white grains of sand. (Noticing all the beach images lately? YEA. Because when you want to go to Florida and no one in your life wants to go also, you start to go a little nutty in the daydreaming department...)

See!! There it is. There is the problem of why I have no money in my checking account. Tell me if you can spot it... Time's up. I'll spell it out: I havent the money (in cash) to go to New Haven (in gas) nevermind Florida, yet, I'm still intent on going. I dont care how I get there. I dont care if my Amex bill gets a little bit higher. I DONT CARE. If someone today, right now was like, I'll go with ya, fool. I'd be like, mmmmmmmmkay... EXPEDIA or Jetblue? Blue polka dot bikini or green ruffles? SUP?

It's like I cant live a Spartan existence. I just cant. Even though, I know I should because I'm old. Let's face it, I'm not a 21 year old college grad who doesnt know any better. I'm old enough to realize that living for the future and not indulging in instant gratification can and should be more fulfilling in the long run. Right? I'm smart enough to manage my finances correctly in theory. Maybe I should get a new job that pays me more or (gasp) another job that could be my primary savings. But who am I kidding? I wont do that. I'm just not that into it.

I read a few articles online today about how to survive on one income. My mom does it. Married couples who have kids do it. Sooo... I should be able to do it. No problem.

How do they do it?

I have no fucking clue. Yea. I read the articles and nothing in them made any real connection to my reality and so it just went in one ear and out the other. Making 60K a year? Um... not quite. The couple in one article had to really adjust to their new lifestyle of living on one income when the mom stayed home to be with the kids because their combined salaries were over 150K. Um. And that's normal? Really? WHAT THE FUCK AM I MISSING HERE?

One of the doctors here makes 175K a year. Alone. That's what he makes, folks. And dont ask me how I know that.

Money just never goes away, does it? And the more you have, the more bills that take it away. And the more you make, the more taxes you get taxed with... for some reason, it just all feels like this puddle of overly obtuse BULLSHIT that I cant make sense out of. And I cant get ahead. I just fucking cant.

SO WHAT?

At least it's almost time for me to leave work. I need to get out and get rained on. It's 45 degrees out there and its May. New England always has a way of putting things in perspective for me.